Whimseys

by Kyla Tilley

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credits

released April 29, 2018

All songs written and performed by Kyla Tilley
except Joe Batt's Arm Tarts lyrics Cara Winsor Hehir
You can hear the original version on Cara's album Titties, Ditties & Tea

Recorded Mixed and Mastered by Julian Squires
Cover photo and design by Julian Squires

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Kyla Tilley Montreal, Québec

Harnessing a fondness for shoes, insects, beer and lingerie, Kyla Tilley writes sometimes sad, often funny, occasionally disconcerting songs which rarely rhyme.

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Track Name: The Roach's Lament
My mother told me to be careful
To mind where I'm treading
When I leave the nest

You'd be wise to watch where you're going
The route you are keeping
Could shorten your life

Cause you never know
What may be lurking
At night in the kitchen
Awaiting a meal

Now lately the way to the pantry
Had strangely been clearer
Than ever before

And sadly I let my mind wander
Forgot mother's cautions
Fell into routine

And I did not see eight furry legs
Hiding under the counter
Until I saw myself reflected
Nine times over in her ugly eyes

Her mandibles clicking excitedly
I heard her tummy
Growling as she stared hungrily at me

She had me and I could do nothing
Nor could my brothers
Who saw it transpire

I thought fondly of moonlight and breadcrumbs
And all of those good things
I'll never more see

When a shadow fell over the kitchen
A human had entered
I thought myself saved

But damn humans think I am more filthy
Than their guns and oppression
They side with the Huntsman
And leave me to die
Leave me to die

But my species has been here far longer
And we will outlast them
We will live through all their nuclear war

But I
I shall not see that day
Or any other
Or any other
Alas the only thing I'll see
Is the lair of the Huntsman
And my poor old mother will know it's the
Last thing I saw
Before I died
Track Name: Spook and Boots
Spook sat in his tattoo parlour
Late at night playing cards
A bottle of good old Jack Daniels
On the table close at hand

Then Boots sparks up another draw
And sings a line from Illegal Smile
So Spook puts down the cards
And grabs the guitar

Annalie she was a drifter
Her only friend was a dog named Henry
Now Hank and her had walked the whole world over
And this small town seemed like any other

Till a familiar chorus came her way
Hank's ears perked up he knew it too
And they followed the sound
Right to Spook's door

Well they were welcomed in
Made to feel at home
She soon fell in love with Spook
And he reciprocated

By and by Marina Mariner came to town
She sailed in on a boat named Woodstock
She never stayed long anywhere she was going
Her feet were itchy and her soles were worn

She navigated by the stars
And when she heard her favourite song
She followed it right into
Boots' arms

Well soon they fell in love
But Boots knows she won't stay
He made the choice to go and she
She was glad he made it

But Spook couldn't bear to see Boots leaving
So he packed up his tattoo parlour
Annalie was sick of walking
And Henry went where she did

So Annalie and Spook and Boots and
Henry and of course Marina
Sowed their oats on Woodstock

To this day them five are sailing
Late into the night playing cards
A full supply of good old Jack Daniels
Close at hand battened down

Now whenever Boots sparks up a draw
Everyone leans back and smiles
And they all sing along
When Spook plays guitar
Track Name: Creepy Crawly Garden Pleasers
Quack and squabble of indignation
Can't you see that piece of bread was mine
Charm your own observer I worked hard for that crust
Preening feathers grooming under wings
Diving and resurfacing
Hope you're good at dodging pebbles
Mind the children making ripples
In the water trying to make the round stones skip

Buzz and sting and yell to ward off youngsters
Who grab at willow branches hanging low
Climbing trees no sign of trepidation
Curiosity negating difference
To the nest of not so social wasps
Trying hard to make an honest days work
Please the queen feeding grubs off morsels pilfered
Competition heavy lately from the ants

In the ally there's a gang of felines
In the gutter cigarette foil gleams
It grabs the eye of a seagull flying overhead
Yappy Dog bolstered by master's presence
Tries his best to shatter pigeons peace
Playing tough guy on the city's mean streets
Ain't so easy attached to a leash
Pigeon's scatter obligingly and regroup

Crack and squish and squelch of not lucky snails
And worms and slugs just trying to cross the street
The tar's so slick and inviting just after it rains
Spider spinning with a fibre so strong that
Magnified would stop a speeding jet
To catch mosquitoes flies and other yummy
Bugs to gratify arachnid pate
Pleasing gardeners not to mention keeping mankind on it's toes

Fog horns car horns
Motors radios
Mask the sound of a million tiny jaws
Devouring trees
Fishes swim in city sponsored parks
Prey to swans and geese
Creepy Crawly microscopic cities thrive below our feet
Track Name: A Song for my (ex) Husband
I've had all twenty-six letters of the alphabet
Including all the numbers one through zero
I've had all the punctuation marks in English
Tattooed on my chest
I've swallowed lots of silicon and toxins
So now when you look deep into my eyes
Instead of my soul you'll witness data
And you can whisper your sweet nothings all in ones and zeroes please
But what's a man without a mouse
I've had some plastic surgery
My labia are right-click left-click clitoris direction
If you hit any wrong buttons I'll just beep so

Now my love you have no distractions
Pay attention to me

I bought non-allergenic paint so you could paint me
Up like a Warhammer figurine
I've had my ears enlarged and pointed to be elvin
Or Vulcan in case that is your desire at the time
I bought metallic lingerie to please you
It has an armour class of ninety-three
My charisma score is high stamina higher
So forget the dwarven army baby come on conquer me
And if you like we can use dice
Who rolls the highest goes on top
And every move you make we'll check your chances of succeeding
I can call you General if that's what you'd like so

Now my love you have no distractions and
Now my love you have no excuses
Pay attention to me
Track Name: Joe Batt's Arm Tarts
saturday night anchor pub with the bys
round of darts drinking ginger and ryes
who thought we'd be taken by such a surprise
i'll tell you my story not much of it's lies

we trembled when they came in through the door
a terror we never had felt it before
our eyes was a sight so sore
and they had come here to settle the score

they're round and they're tall and they're tough and they're lean
and they're tough and they're sly and they're dirty sleevens
and they're known round the bay for being so mean
shirley and sharon and bev and eileen

they been playing together at least 40 years
and they are a sight that all their foes fear
cause if you're left standing when the smoke clears
you'll be sad and alone with only your tears

man he can't win not one game of darts
they got trophies and medals and awards of all sorts
and they'll break your knees and your will and your hearts
no man he cant beat the joe batt's arm tarts

they're round and they're tall and they're tough and they're lean
and they're tough and they're sly and they're dirty sleevens
and they're known round the bay for being so mean
shirley and sharon and bev and eileen

first up stepped bev with her whizzen white hair
and no one could face her stoned eyed stare
and open my mouth well i just wouldn't dare
when she let loose her dart and it flew through the air

our man got up he was shaking with fright
and he wished he'd come out on some other night
cause the dart that he threw it didn't go right
and when it landed he was no where in sight

when shirley got up she made the place groan
with each step that she took the floor boards would moan
she possible weighs about 21 stone
and shirley's darts always hit home

up got young reggie still wet and still bold
and i don't think reggie had ever been told
you get to close to shirley you'll sink in a fold
and now our poor reggy will never grow old

they're round and they're tall and they're tough and they're lean
and they're tough and they're sly and they're dirty sleevens
and they're known round the bay for being so mean
shirley and sharon and bev and eileen

the floor was left open to crazy eileen
and her dart as always was even and keen
and with our pride she mopped the floor clean
and the tarts all applauded like she was the queen

our next feller up well he didn't do bad
but the tarts they just ate him because they were mad
and i tried to help him because he's my dad
and i can't play dartes now it just makes me sad.

when blind old sharon finished her chore
i found myself standing one against four
and casting my eye on the heartache we bore
i high tailed me arse sir right out the door

no a man he cant win not one game of darts
they got trophies and medals and awards of all sorts
and they'll break your will and your knees and your hearts
no a man he cant beat the joe batt's arm tarts
no a man he can't beat the joe batt's arm tarts
no a man he can't beat the joe batt's arm tarts

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