Whimseys

by Kyla Tilley

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1.
My mother told me to be careful To mind where I'm treading When I leave the nest You'd be wise to watch where you're going The route you are keeping Could shorten your life Cause you never know What may be lurking At night in the kitchen Awaiting a meal Now lately the way to the pantry Had strangely been clearer Than ever before And sadly I let my mind wander Forgot mother's cautions Fell into routine And I did not see eight furry legs Hiding under the counter Until I saw myself reflected Nine times over in her ugly eyes Her mandibles clicking excitedly I heard her tummy Growling as she stared hungrily at me She had me and I could do nothing Nor could my brothers Who saw it transpire I thought fondly of moonlight and breadcrumbs And all of those good things I'll never more see When a shadow fell over the kitchen A human had entered I thought myself saved But damn humans think I am more filthy Than their guns and oppression They side with the Huntsman And leave me to die Leave me to die But my species has been here far longer And we will outlast them We will live through all their nuclear war But I I shall not see that day Or any other Or any other Alas the only thing I'll see Is the lair of the Huntsman And my poor old mother will know it's the Last thing I saw Before I died
2.
Spook sat in his tattoo parlour Late at night playing cards A bottle of good old Jack Daniels On the table close at hand Then Boots sparks up another draw And sings a line from Illegal Smile So Spook puts down the cards And grabs the guitar Annalie she was a drifter Her only friend was a dog named Henry Now Hank and her had walked the whole world over And this small town seemed like any other Till a familiar chorus came her way Hank's ears perked up he knew it too And they followed the sound Right to Spook's door Well they were welcomed in Made to feel at home She soon fell in love with Spook And he reciprocated By and by Marina Mariner came to town She sailed in on a boat named Woodstock She never stayed long anywhere she was going Her feet were itchy and her soles were worn She navigated by the stars And when she heard her favourite song She followed it right into Boots' arms Well soon they fell in love But Boots knows she won't stay He made the choice to go and she She was glad he made it But Spook couldn't bear to see Boots leaving So he packed up his tattoo parlour Annalie was sick of walking And Henry went where she did So Annalie and Spook and Boots and Henry and of course Marina Sowed their oats on Woodstock To this day them five are sailing Late into the night playing cards A full supply of good old Jack Daniels Close at hand battened down Now whenever Boots sparks up a draw Everyone leans back and smiles And they all sing along When Spook plays guitar
3.
Quack and squabble of indignation Can't you see that piece of bread was mine Charm your own observer I worked hard for that crust Preening feathers grooming under wings Diving and resurfacing Hope you're good at dodging pebbles Mind the children making ripples In the water trying to make the round stones skip Buzz and sting and yell to ward off youngsters Who grab at willow branches hanging low Climbing trees no sign of trepidation Curiosity negating difference To the nest of not so social wasps Trying hard to make an honest days work Please the queen feeding grubs off morsels pilfered Competition heavy lately from the ants In the ally there's a gang of felines In the gutter cigarette foil gleams It grabs the eye of a seagull flying overhead Yappy Dog bolstered by master's presence Tries his best to shatter pigeons peace Playing tough guy on the city's mean streets Ain't so easy attached to a leash Pigeon's scatter obligingly and regroup Crack and squish and squelch of not lucky snails And worms and slugs just trying to cross the street The tar's so slick and inviting just after it rains Spider spinning with a fibre so strong that Magnified would stop a speeding jet To catch mosquitoes flies and other yummy Bugs to gratify arachnid pate Pleasing gardeners not to mention keeping mankind on it's toes Fog horns car horns Motors radios Mask the sound of a million tiny jaws Devouring trees Fishes swim in city sponsored parks Prey to swans and geese Creepy Crawly microscopic cities thrive below our feet
4.
I've had all twenty-six letters of the alphabet Including all the numbers one through zero I've had all the punctuation marks in English Tattooed on my chest I've swallowed lots of silicon and toxins So now when you look deep into my eyes Instead of my soul you'll witness data And you can whisper your sweet nothings all in ones and zeroes please But what's a man without a mouse I've had some plastic surgery My labia are right-click left-click clitoris direction If you hit any wrong buttons I'll just beep so Now my love you have no distractions Pay attention to me I bought non-allergenic paint so you could paint me Up like a Warhammer figurine I've had my ears enlarged and pointed to be elvin Or Vulcan in case that is your desire at the time I bought metallic lingerie to please you It has an armour class of ninety-three My charisma score is high stamina higher So forget the dwarven army baby come on conquer me And if you like we can use dice Who rolls the highest goes on top And every move you make we'll check your chances of succeeding I can call you General if that's what you'd like so Now my love you have no distractions and Now my love you have no excuses Pay attention to me
5.
saturday night anchor pub with the bys round of darts drinking ginger and ryes who thought we'd be taken by such a surprise i'll tell you my story not much of it's lies we trembled when they came in through the door a terror we never had felt it before our eyes was a sight so sore and they had come here to settle the score they're round and they're tall and they're tough and they're lean and they're tough and they're sly and they're dirty sleevens and they're known round the bay for being so mean shirley and sharon and bev and eileen they been playing together at least 40 years and they are a sight that all their foes fear cause if you're left standing when the smoke clears you'll be sad and alone with only your tears man he can't win not one game of darts they got trophies and medals and awards of all sorts and they'll break your knees and your will and your hearts no man he cant beat the joe batt's arm tarts they're round and they're tall and they're tough and they're lean and they're tough and they're sly and they're dirty sleevens and they're known round the bay for being so mean shirley and sharon and bev and eileen first up stepped bev with her whizzen white hair and no one could face her stoned eyed stare and open my mouth well i just wouldn't dare when she let loose her dart and it flew through the air our man got up he was shaking with fright and he wished he'd come out on some other night cause the dart that he threw it didn't go right and when it landed he was no where in sight when shirley got up she made the place groan with each step that she took the floor boards would moan she possible weighs about 21 stone and shirley's darts always hit home up got young reggie still wet and still bold and i don't think reggie had ever been told you get to close to shirley you'll sink in a fold and now our poor reggy will never grow old they're round and they're tall and they're tough and they're lean and they're tough and they're sly and they're dirty sleevens and they're known round the bay for being so mean shirley and sharon and bev and eileen the floor was left open to crazy eileen and her dart as always was even and keen and with our pride she mopped the floor clean and the tarts all applauded like she was the queen our next feller up well he didn't do bad but the tarts they just ate him because they were mad and i tried to help him because he's my dad and i can't play dartes now it just makes me sad. when blind old sharon finished her chore i found myself standing one against four and casting my eye on the heartache we bore i high tailed me arse sir right out the door no a man he cant win not one game of darts they got trophies and medals and awards of all sorts and they'll break your will and your knees and your hearts no a man he cant beat the joe batt's arm tarts no a man he can't beat the joe batt's arm tarts no a man he can't beat the joe batt's arm tarts

credits

released April 29, 2018

All songs written and performed by Kyla Tilley
except Joe Batt's Arm Tarts lyrics Cara Winsor Hehir
You can hear the original version on Cara's album Titties, Ditties & Tea

Recorded Mixed and Mastered by Julian Squires
Cover photo and design by Julian Squires

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Kyla Tilley Newfoundland and Labrador

Kyla Tilley plays guitar, wears high heels, and writes sometimes sad, often funny, occasionally disconcerting, story-telling songs which rarely rhyme.

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